Blog 10-04-24

Oh No, School Is Actually Teaching Me Things

[written 09-30-24]

One of the hardest parts of doing school for a creative major such as art or music is figuring out how to apply what you’ve learned by creating for school to what you create for yourself. At first, the idea seems like it wouldn’t be the case; but there is one main thing that I feel stopped me dead in my creative tracks: burnout.

Art is meant to be fun. Music is meant to be fun. School is meant to teach. A learning setting is first and foremost made with the intention of getting information into your head as fast as possible. An hour of learning theory, an hour of ear training, an hour of solo voice lessons, and an hour of choir; all at the same time, all of which you’re expected to also take at least an hour (usually two) to study and develop what you’d learned. All on top of living a life that includes a job, commute, chores, and thousands of other things. If you want to find an excuse to burn yourself out, going to school for something creative is a pretty good way to do it.

I don’t say that to scare off people from pursuing a higher education in something they love. After all, learning more about what you love is THE way to take what you want to do to the next level. I learned more in a year here at Bunker Hill about music than I have across the previous 23 years of life I’ve lived. But I would be lying if I said I never got burnt out during it all. And when you’re burnt out of music from all that time you spent learning, how badly do you want to go and make music even if it’s for you? The same thing happened to me back when I studied art at Montserrat College of Art. And yet, I’d argue that I improved more in my ability to draw in the three years I spent drawing on my own than I did in high school and college combined.

So what is one to do? You dedicated time and money to learning how to create better, and then you don’t want to create because you’re tired of learning about creating! There’s an easy answer: stop. Just stop. Stop thinking about music. Stop thinking about meter and key signatures and what inversion of III would best lead into a V7 chord. Just for a little while. No matter what the voice in your head tells you, rest is just as important to learning as actually studying. Best way to kill your car's battery is to never turn it off, even if you’re not using it. And your brain works the same way

The worst point for my creative burnout was my third semester at Bunker Hill (sweet transition I know, I PROMISE it’s related to that last thought). My day would start at 6:30. Out the doors at 7:30pm. Two hour drive into Boston while I’m playing some music audiobooks (personally would recommend The Creative Act by Rick Rubin and 12 Notes On Life and Creativity by Quincy Jones). If I’m lucky and traffic wasn’t too bad I’d have maybe 10-15 minutes to warm up my voice in the practice rooms. 10am sharp: Music Theory and Ear Training 1. That runs until 12:15, where I have a whole 5 minutes to breathe before I immediately have to go to the practice room to meet my singing instructor Yoo Sun Na for one-on-one voice lessons. That runs until 1:10, where I finally get about 30-60 minutes to eat whatever I packed for lunch in my car. After that, I get to run to the Orange Line to start making my way towards my internship at the Isabella Gardner Museum; the whole train ride there I either read some music book I got my hands on at the library or do my daily poetry writing. Internship lasts from 3pm-7pm. Then the train ride back to campus takes 30 minutes, where I can continue with where I left off on the first ride here. And then, I could finally finish my commute from my campus back to my house, arriving back at home at a solid 8-9pm time, where I’d finish off whatever chapters I could of my audiobook.

Did you notice something? Almost all of my day was focused thinking about music. Even if I wasn’t working on music, it was still taking up energy in my mind. So then, after spending all my mental energy on music for a solid 14 hours, what motivation would I then have to spend the last two hours of my day working on making music? None. I managed to spend a whole day doing nothing but working on music, yet I’m no closer to seeing improvement in the music I was making.

It wasn’t until two days ago, a random Saturday afternoon that I had decided to just create for the hell of it. Picked up my Squire Strat, plugged it into my 2i2, and just went. I picked some weird foley sounds and turned it into a groove that I’d lay a standard kick and snare over. Then using my very limited guitar skills, I fiddled around the low E string figuring out a bassline (I don’t own a bass, I’m planning on renting one from the library to continue working on the song). And then with a bassline in mind, I used the bassline to write a keyboard part that would “harmonize” with it. And it was then I realized it. All of those skills I had learned had actually been useful. Learning what inversion would have which scale degree in the bass would allow me to know what chords I could use for a progression.

What was the secret there? I stopped. Compared to previously, now my days still consist of the same general idea. But now, I’ve found time to just stop thinking about music. I’ve incorporated the gym into the middle of my day. I took one less class so I could have more time overall to really digest what I’m learning (even though it’s still admittedly a lot now that I’m in the higher level classes). And now I’ve stopped listening to my audiobooks as much (still listen to them regularly) and just allowed myself to zone out listening to music that I enjoy but wouldn’t dream of making. It was only then that my brain had the space to breathe away from music. And all of a sudden I was writing verses over the loop I laid! I was creating!

I’ll be honest, I didn’t expect to have the writing go into this weird direction of discussing burnout, yet here I am. The neat part of this is that me getting back into writing these blogs was actually a part of that plan I was talking about. In between choir and my vocal lessons, I scheduled enough time to just write for my page and go to the gym (even though it was supposed to be for my Work Study position that nobody has gotten back to me on). Which is what I’m going to do now that I’m done writing. See ya!

Something About Quitting

[Written 10-02-24]

I don’t really consider myself a tenacious person. A hard worker? Yes. Goal-oriented? Maybe on a good day. But in no regard do I consider myself this unwavering immovable force of a man dead set on going down in history as the Beethoven of Pop, Hip-Hop, Lofi, Rock, and Jazz at the same time. And yet given where I am in my career, starting out but having a wide net of experiences, I feel like sometimes people look at what I and others who’re doing things like what I do and go “Damn, look at that rather tenacious individual. How quaint that they can perform tasks that us mortals cannot dream of attaining with such ease that they would never dream of quitting. Pah humbug.”

On the contrary, I think about quitting music, creative work, life, and pretty much everything in between more days that I’m proud to admit. And over simple things too; a musical passage I’m struggling to read, a song I can’t find the right sound selection for, not being able to find the right vocal tone. It is way easier to make me feel like giving up than I think anybody really understands. And yet, I don’t. How come?

I wish I could say something cool like “the first and only love I ever had was music, and on her deathbed she told me to never let the flame die out.” But I’m not that epic or funny. Simply put: I’m a quitter with an ego. I always feel like quitting, the temptation is always there. But as soon as I do, my ego comes along and says something like “Really dude? You survived twenty-three years on this earth and now you’re telling me that not knowing what iii6 resolves to is what’s really going to do you in? You must be confusing years with months because you’re acting like a little googoogaga baby right about now. Now pick yourself up by the tail on your baby bunny onesie and figure it out!” And usually, after a short break I find myself ready to get back to it. And most of the time, believe it or not, I figure it out. Admittedly the feeling after it is really hard to match, and that makes it worth it in the end.

Is this the most healthy way to do things? No. I’m not even for a second going to pretend that this is the secret to getting good work done. In fact, I’d dare even say this is pretty toxic and something I’m working on being a little kinder to myself. I toned down and added comedic effect to a lot of what I tell myself to get back into work; but truth be told if I heard someone talking to my loved ones the same way I talk to myself, exact words and all, I’d knock their teeth out. So is there a healthy way to do this? I assume so. I can’t really be like “OH CERTAINLY” or “NOPE!” because I’m still in the middle of that process. Crazy how a man who’s just begun figuring out his life doesn’t have the answer yet, I know. But I feel like this transitions into the next blog that I feel like is different enough to deserve its own thing. Been a lot of mentality stuff this week, but truth be told I think I’m thinking a lot more interesting than the music I’ve been making as of this week so that’s this. But a person’s music is a lot of them and how they see the world, so I think it’s worth discussing.

I Can’t, But I Must. So I Will, Until I Can

[Written 10-02-24]

That right there is a little mantra I’ve developed. If you see something similar online, I assure you I don’t know about it. It also ties into another little phrase I’ve developed: “The Music Must Be Played.” But these are essentially two different ways of saying very similar things so I decided to just use the one quote as my reference point. Maybe I’ll discuss that second quote another week, because admittedly I want to talk some music stuff too this week so let’s see. But for now lets talk about the thing I said I was going to talk about! This quote basically summarizes how I feel about most struggles I encounter. I can’t do a lot of things. Or in a lot of cases, I can’t do a lot of things as well or in a more unique way compared to others. And yet, I must. No matter how much it seemed like life wanted to throw everything in my way to not make music, somehow I’ve ended up in this very spot where I’m trying to make music. So I must continue to be true to that self. Even if I never make a career off of music and have to settle for a 9-5 that’ll make mom and dad proud, I’ll still have that urge to continue trying to make music. And I will keep trying to make music, until there comes a day where I am capable of making music.

There’s a quote that one of my music professors Dr. Mark Popney said to our class today (that he quoted from his professor back when he was in grad school) that really stuck with me. The quote went something like “A good idea is like finding a $20 on the ground. It feels really good, but you can’t pay rent with it.” This is essentially to mean those little moments of brilliance that come to you in a dream, or those brief glimpses into the gates of heaven where they write the perfect melody every time, all of that is just a fleeting moment that will never get you to a full career in music if all you’re ever doing is chasing that moment. But it’s hard to develop that skill so you don’t need to find it at times. And yet, I must. So I will keep searching until I can do that.